Saturday, October 13, 2007



HAVE THIS TALE TO TELL, that isn’t easy to relate. The subject (one point in it), is about “suicide”, and that has always been a “sensitive” one for me. I was once asked by my friend Tim Kahle: “Have You Ever Thought About Killing Yourself?” because, he said, I always seemed so frustrated. I told him that, “suicide is definitely OUT of the question”, and so that was that. At the time, I believed in GOD and that that was the deal there where you didn’t do that sort of thing, etc. I didn’t explain that to him or any thing but there you are. I remember walking down the street once screaming up at the heavens for god to kill me or something like that. I don’t know what I was pissed at, but, was angry and wanted things to end…I didn’t know Tim at the time. This was way before I’d even left Eader Elementary School. In fact, it was on the way to it with a friend or something…maybe on my way home or something, on the next housing tract over and it was raining or something and I shouted up at the sky and cursed or damned or something and I was cautioned by a friend and I stopped and sort of just ran mute a moment…considering what my friend had said. It cooled me off. He said something about not doing that or something. I don’t know….don’t know who it was or what was said or any thing now. Nothing. I recall nothing from that but what I’ve told you just now.

What I want to write, and put in a blog, is a bit painful, because it mentions the topic of suicide and goes on to other things and all and it’s not the whole point of every thing, but, it’s there and is a very real and sensitive thing for me.

I used to not want to read things from authors who killed themselves, because I thought it would rub off on me. Though I know very well that good can come from bad/sad things people do and all and that that isn’t the full measure of a person, an artist who decided somehow to end their life, reject the gift and all its facets, and end it…and I just…I don’t know; I’ve never been there and I hope right now I NEVER do get to or am ever IN that circumstance. I hope to never EVER be there. EVER!

Now, whatever this is, the current journal entry being written and that you are reading now, and or the “essay” I may or may not be able to conceive in cyberspace, it’s not every thing; it is only just a mere participle, a brief wisp or vapor of what I’ve been able to find, and then, to describe in my words using what god/fate/whatever given power or “talent” I have for “insight” or capability for composing WORDS, in such a “fashion”, so as to come (maybe) somewhat close, to what I have in mind, to “describe” what I think/feel, that “life” is. Its essence. That’s really all of what I want to do and I want others to think that hey; this guy was really able to express himself well, and, had some kind of wow “handle” on what life really is. That’s really all I want in life. That’s the basic “gist” or nut of it. Course, it’d be FANTASTIC too, to be able to sell it and not have to work these stupid “jobs” and all. To be able to do something that people write about me on in the newspapers that people read and all. Yeah, that’s what I want. Hope is, I can do that and with that “notoriety”, also be able to make some changes at large for the world when I’m there and esp. sic., for when I’m gone. Some kind of “cause” or something.


Though feeling pressed, today was a terrifically “successful” day, and I got a HELL of a LOT done. I mean, sheesh, you wouldn’t believe. I bought even more Parker Jotter Ballpoint Pens. None of which I need. One Avocado Green and One Brown and a journal and a pool part or 2 and some food here and there and though my Bronchitis or whatever is with me still these 4 weeks, I’ve put in some more movie viewing and pool maintenance and all, and I’m very proud of myself, though I would have loved to have just been able to have sat down and read myself silly the whole day. What would I have written? I need more time. We all do. It’s crazy. What do I do? What does any one do?

I don’t have the same constraints that others my age have or younger than me do. I don’t want what the bulk of people my age have. I’d rather have what folks who are way younger and who read and write and get published and get movies made of their words and get some time on film get…I want what they have. I’m sorry, but that is what it is. That is what it is all about for me. That’s what I want, who I am and every thing such as this.

Hope to write something about a journal entry or three I’ve a rough draft of, in a day or so, and I hope as well, to have a addition to the blog where I said I would have photos of the Lazarus book? Well, I hope to have them and to end that saga of my work with my old friend Carmina Crittenden, now, something else, which escapes me at the moment, conveniently. She’s married and has a lovely daughter, and like her brother TED, will I’m sure remain removed from me and my sphere of influence, a two-way street which, I think closed with the altering of their lives into marriage, I’m sad to say, much like some other people I know that got married. Sad. Too Bad. Oh Well.

It would have been best in life to have worked with both Ted and Carmina continuously throughout the rest of our lives. Now, it seems to me, this will never happen. Someone else I know from away far away, both in time and in distance, will never work out either. In my life, this is how it IS. I don’t have a “reality” like every one else’s. Definitely not like they have it in the movies. That is a fucking farce.

Saturday, October 06, 2007


In a perfect world, the cover photo of today's Los Angeles Times, would have not the beautiful tear-strewn face of the Olympic runner, but instead, show the craggy visage of President Bush on it, apologizing for invading Iraq, esp. sic. under false pretenses.

Monday, October 01, 2007


Yes, I’m writing to you from it now, as I speak, or, if I choose, I can flip out the folding keypad (It’s wireless, from another manufacturer, but, compatible, from the get-go.) so that I can actually write, but it’s just for quick notes on the road and I’ll have to go through this on my desktop or laptop later, and clean it up a bit I’m sure. I’ll even leave in all this sidebar commentary.
Yes, you have that right: G6 digital technology CommUnit. Yes-sir! The system is up and I can speak on phone to Mexico and from Mexico (The United States of Mexico) to Guam or Puerto Rico or Peru, Brazil, Argentina or Paraguay. I can use it in Saudi Arabia, and speak to the United States of America and from Europa to Canada or wherever the hell I want. Of course it’s not a satellite “phone” unit, (Is it? Why not?) I’d have to have my laptop broadcaster for that, but, in a pinch, without blocking/interference, I could speak via satellite that way if I so choose, because I do have UWB Ultra Wide Band wireless technology on it as well. (It’s like Blue Tooth on steroids, without losing your job when you’re found out, or getting cancer later on from it.) And I can hook my laptop to my CommUnit with wireless or wired technology, and be up on the net with the Unit being the online part and then hooked wire wise, with my laptop charging my 10 hour battery. Yes, you heard correct. 10 hours! Got it right finally. Damn battery and power/usage, that’s worth a fricken toot and a half, and how!!!
MP3 player. 16,000 song titles, not one thousand 600. 16 thousand. I can easily download from wherever more titles, but prefer just to get my cds at home and put it on my computer to the software and simply zip it over to my CommUnit.
AM/FM and yeah, hell, digital and Satellite radio. Why not? It’s what I want and some times need if I’m on the road and I don’t want just the vast array of beautiful recorded music I have on hand.
I can record still and moving images with my Carl Zeiss lens. I am a reporter after all. I can do that. I have then recall for stories I write in the fiction line I also come up with, but mainly, it’s for travel blog, the bulk of my work. There is also the voice recorder to zip down thoughts faster than my hands can crunch on the physical qwerty keypad, for on the fly stuff.
AND what else? What else is there? I’ve got a phone a camera a diction machine, I can play music and I do use ear buds or headphones wired to the unit and I prefer it that way. So too, ear/microphone for talking on the phone. Wired. I prefer it that way. As good as Blue Tooth or UWB are, I still want one step away from the prying ears. (I know, they can still get the signal and listen in, but I’d like to keep the aesthetics not too fancy. Besides, I absolutely hate them earpieces. They keep turning themselves off and are uncomfortable, and look ugly.) This way too, it’s a definite on/off thing for me. On or Off the phone. Now, I know exactly what you might be thinking. What if you’re listening to music and the call comes through? Ever heard of Voice Mail? Text? I can do both, as well as pause or stop the music where it is, getting back to it later exactly in the same spot as before to speak out loud to the caller, using the ear buds for stereo music now for phone use, or switch things out. Yes, two cords.
People hate strings attached. Confusing. Tangling…but not me. Not hard for me. I don’t have a problem with it and could go wireless that way if I want at a later date when they get those damn things done better. Don’t consider they ever will. It was a bear and a half to get my geek friends to produce this little unit. How ugly is it? How beautiful? It’s both and neither. It can be put into any existing phone you have now if you want. I usually keep it in the Nokia N98. But they don’t have the Nokia…only for you they don’t buster, only for you. For me, it’s a different story.