Saturday, January 30, 2010


Do not depend on the hope of results. When you are doing the sort of work you have taken on, essentially an apostolic work, you may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself. . . .
 –Thomas Merton, in a letter to Jim Forest dated February 21, 1966, reproduced in The Hidden Ground of Love: Letters by Thomas Merton (W. Shannon ed. 1993).
{From The Handheld}

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


Got stuff on my synapses here that shouldn't be. 1) Care over what people around me are doing. It comes to mind that the less I care about what I think normally people should or should not be doing around me, the better I feel. Having said that, it suddenly occurs that, therein may be a key to happiness. I just don't care. That perennial apathy. Key on a chain around my neck. One or more of them. Plugs, dragging the ear lobes of some jolly passing travelers, so what? And if you can translate that or carry it onward to the other drivers on the road or co-workers and their mess, etc. Shoot! Success City Arizona!! Sociopathy here I come, eh? Just where is that substance (some kind of neuro-nutralizer) that supposedly these suicide bombers take, the don't care don't feel pain stuff (But why then would they even care to complete their missions? How does that work??), that magic "happy pill", to take me to that faery land, a rabbit hole, across the river with Lenny in Of Mice and Men, all soft and cuddily, ahhh, yeeeesss!
{{From Unit # 9630}}

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

There Has Got To Be...

TUE. JAN. 19th, 2010
DEATH be not proud. Please, do not let me go messy. Don't make me stupid, lame, and dumb. Let me not be forgotten, as we all are and all will be. Much like death, denied or life, lived in oblivion of. Think of me once in awhile dear world, yes, self-same I cursed and yelled to take me out occasionally. A flair for the dramatics, which truly wasn't or isn't necessary; I am not a writer or actor of any repute. I am nothing of course. Don't exist any more, so why should I care? Once said this morning on a whim, when I'm dead, an angel, of evil or good intent, I'm sure somehow (I don't know how I'll know.), I'll miss this, being alive. Now, ultimately, nothing matters. That's what lesson is available from thinking and growing rich. The book. Pretty bleak. If you ask me. Stupid too. Lame. Dumb. "There has got to be a better way". Thanks to screenwriter of Bill Mckay (The Candidate), Waldo Salt? ((JEREMY LARNER actually. He also wrote: "Drive, He Said."))

{From The Handheld}

Sunday, January 17, 2010

What I Really Want

SUN. JAN. 17th, 2010
Don't know how or why it was to me my way of thinking a bad idea to take a shower this morning. Feel so good. Cue Chuck
Mangione muzak. Maybe we should just pee now and meditate. Ah yes. But really, trouble is, don't want to do any thing, not even drive away from here. Certainly don't want work at same place where we've been all this time. Don't know what I want. Don't know as I could have slept in much longer than I had. Don't know that I was or am any more glad happy satisfied for any thing that I have. I am so grateful thankful indebted etc esp sic my mother for protecting taking care of me. My sister my dad as well. I'm overwhelmed by grief and hope and worthlessness. Don't know exactly what to say or do. Maybe I can write about it, put it into a story that appears out of me soon, much like the shopping mall story where the man's head went down with a ker-klunk, the screenplay and short work of prose out of it that is Rats With Wings.
What's on my list? Gaa, I dunno. I've done it, but haven't made a full time career of writing, the arts, the movies. I've been in and have worked on many. Yeah. I have. And so...but nothing long term and or making profit creating nest egg, etc.
What I want to do where I want to go involves flushing toilets cleaned by me on a regular basis but not under duress. Pockets full of nice shiney clean expertly working new then because they're taken care of, old things, but are still rich cool expensive good but never boastful or bragging about. Clean well lighted places, yes, Hem. For books or living. And I want to be in and feel to be a part of.
Would love to learn how to survive in the wild, but wouldn't want to have to now or forever have to be roughing it in a real way, forever. Sorry Sam (uel Langhorne Clemons).
Don't...I don't want to say I do not any more. I want to be able to say, I have an ISBN or 8, and glow in the dark legible watches. Eyes that don't bother me. A girl that doesn't either, but HELPS, in a good way. (WAYS) I want things I have to do, doing done. No grief angst misery protracted nonsense from elements of society weather universe. Or the cast iron stainless poly-carbonate diamond whatever constitution to endure, the faith of a Brazil Nut in sitting meditating with my vision to get it done, forever.
{{From Unit # 9630}}

Saturday, January 16, 2010


All my life I've searched for something I cannot name. I really don't know what it is. I really mean that, if you know, you know something when and where you find it, you know what it is, then, before that, it's just something you can't name and you spend all your life searching, searching, searching for it...
Now, all along the way, by and by it comes to being that you find it...all these little things that amongst the big or bigger photographic still-frame in your mind, you find, and you go: A-HA! It's a satori, a pop blast between the eyebrows (iffen you don't have a mono-brow) and it's IN to your third eye itself.
Here and there you have your little get its.
But over all, to keep you going, you don't get what you want, get it? You don't because that's what keeps you going, all along the way, and you say to yourself, all along the way or all my life I've been searching for something I cannot or my heart cannot name...and, yeah that quote is attributed to Francois Villon or some one some times, and is paraphrased here, from the book by Hunter S. Thompson, Hell's Angels, that is really, I feel, something he wrote himself.

Monday, January 11, 2010

THINK! Or, Consider Yourself One With The Furniture

MON. JAN. 11th, 2010
USED to be a time way back when, we sat in a car that was paid for with one hefty check to a friend, and write. Would get out a small or large notebook, writing paper, goldenrod lined college rule, plain some times and laterally, grid, small, but not so small, at least not so much and not so very often that, usually just average sized grid. Long gone are those days? Wrote some letters then, some of these writings'd be. Now? A few snippet wings on the fly, the idealized long ago postings of a madman, which every one is doing now in so too many venues and media, who wants to pay for that? How can one make/earn a living there? That part of the dream has remained ever elusive. Always the aspect of a regular job. Some have been more fun, most short lived, like my stays in places with others. What to do? What to do?
It's a privilege, life is. A privilege, much like a job or driver's license. You have no right for being here or having the support "system" to sustain you. It's all just a privilege.
The only way not to be a burden is not being here. But what good is that? No one knows or doesn't know. (No one can tell us, or so we consider.) There's no telling, no, not really. It's frustrating. Best ignore and get on with daily grind. Breathe, move on, and not consider so much.
So far as we know, we are the only ones who do consider, who know or think we do. It's important, we notify ourselves and others, to think, consider, and to be aware of these things, that we do.

{From The Handheld}

Friday, January 08, 2010

If A Lover Meets A Lover, When Coming Through The Rye...

Well, IF a lot of crackn' damn things, you know? That just doesn't happen in real actuality. Not in your or my every day life. NO. That NEVER happens. Why? Because it's a wish a dream of a possibility that, maybe perhaps could occur, but WON'T really. NO. It only really ONLY happens in SONGS, POEMS, BOOKS, and Motion Pictures. I mean, we still don't have our Belt Jets yet, do we? There's these films we watch and they're always unsatisfying. You want to be famous or have to give up your day job because you have to do your actual work of writing novels creating screenplays poetry authoring, etc. But, NO. That NEVER happens. This is real life, and that's where normal every day crap over and over occurs, and you're rotten and miserable inside and happy other moments and it is all, more or less, completely OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. Enjoy! Be happy with that, eh?

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Power's Elusive Contact

Started out writing something else and remembered another thing began my thoughts with earlier. But what good would it do me now but to stay on target? But, what's that? Isn't over-all to record the moment as it happens?
I trade in/to ... And the thought was Tend to? No, Trade to, because it's more interesting to say. It feels better/different, and it catches the reader in the rye.
But, it; all these things that came up just now, is & was, all I had back then, when I came to this email to write on it for a blog on this here blogger website. I came to this post, to write something else completely. As the title suggests, about power.
Just read how in the comic: Dominion, by Shirow Masamune, that "Power is just power, you only need it when you need it," or something like that. Never mind the context of the book, it's not important for the illumination of my point. The point is that I just posted a tweet which read something like, if power is power etc when, etc, then why is it so elusive? Why does it slip my grasp? I need to fix and sort stuff NOW! Can't wait. Pool. Job. Finances. Writing. Sex/Love-Life. Every thing. All of it. NOW. Can't get into all the details now, no time. Have to head into work. And the phone rings here, asking me in to it earlier! Thought this was the earliest shift for today. Can't make the 45 min earlier start request, but can do a 15 min earlier start, which gives me more time to get in, get ready, and, do it, right, more comfortably and more power--control--contact, with every thing.
{{From Unit # 9630}}

Friday, January 01, 2010

Bosons Muons

Ah yes, Bosons, Muons, and why I will never be a Theoretical Physicist: I'd want to be a "real" one.
{{From unit # 9630}}